Gay Marriage–Why It Would Be Good for College Football

It’s the first big weekend of college football, and since I upgraded my cable, I can’t believe all the games and scores I can get at the same time. Pretty soon, my thumb is going to need a sling because of so much channel flipping.

I really love college football, the whole thing–the game itself, the bands, the fans, the cheerleaders–all of that rah-rah-rah. Sometimes, though, that high level of testosterone and the arrogance it seems to bring about just is about too much to watch. I think a good gay marriage would be the best antidote to keep some of those involved with college football more bearable to be around.

First, I’d marry off Coach Bob Stoops of the University of Oklahoma. He’s fine to look at, but that attitude of his could use some toning down. Anderson Cooper of CNN would be the perfect match for Stoops. That soft-spoken southern charm would be just the chill pill for Stoops. And think about the great looking kids they’d have to boot.

The second one I’d marry off is almost older than football itself–Coach Joe Paterno of Penn State. I think he started coaching when there were still only 48 states. There’d be no better husband for Paterno than Sir Ian McKellan. The Wizard could conjure up a golden-years’ fantasy honeymoon that would surely get rid of Paterno’s grumpiness. In case the couple needed a little extra “sumpin-sumpin”, maybe they could look up one of those Nebraska wrestlers who got themselves a bit of fame on camera. One of them is somewhere up in Pennsylvania these days.

The last one that needs a gay wedding is Bevo, the longhorn mascot of the University of Texas. No one is sure if he could actually consummate any marriage because Bevo is a steer, isn’t he? Never mind that. Bevo’s perfect mate? One of the gay penguins. The warmth and attention the penguin shows for his eggs and chicks might help make ol’ Bevo a kinder, gentler soul, once he felt the love coming his way–not to mention toning down that god-awful burnt orange he’s been wearing season after season. A bit of the penguin’s fashion sense might get even an old steer like Bevo to have a bit of style for a change.

I’d say we’re way overdue for a gay marriage or two in college football. If Boston College plays USC or UCLA this year, who knows? It might happen.